Today, while I was listening to K love (a Christian radio station) on my way to work, Better Than A Hallelujah by Amy Grant was playing. It's one of my most favorite songs ever. It's got a gorgeous melody, and the words are just absolutely beautiful. As follows:
God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Halleujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out
And the chorus (We pour out our miseries...Are better than a Hallelulah) repeats itself in the end. The first time I ever heard this song..well, I guess I'm not exactly sure if I actually remember the very first time I heard it. If I didn't listen to the words the first time I heard it, I know I loved it already from just hearing a bit of the melody. But the first time I listened to the words, it really touched me. I remember reflecting on how true it is.
I'm a sentimental person. I always feel bad when I grow apart from friends, and especially when I grow apart from family. Especially when they seem like a different person than the one that I always remembered. I know people change, and I'm sure I've done plenty of changing myself. What hurts is when the changing creates a sort of gap between you and someone you care about, and when you feel you'd be an intruder if you tried to reach out and close that gap. I love it when you stay close to people that matter. I love to spend time with people I care about-time having fun, laughing, enjoying each other, and talking about nothing and everything. I love when people I love trust me enough to tell me their perspective, especially when they're having a hard time. Even if I can sense or even see that they're having a difficult time, I don't feel right reaching out to them first; I know they have to be ready to share what's going on, and if I don't wait for them to be ready I could damage my close bond to them. If they don't ever come to me when they're having a hard time, then definitely I feel that we grow apart, and it hurts. As for friends..we all have them! But who do you consider your closest friends? I trust friends who I've had to go through harder times with more than I trust friends who I've had a few fun times with. Because you and your friends need the good AND bad to grow, right?
Now, God obviously doesn't need to do any more growing! However, I'm sure He feels much more keenly when we only think of Him in the good times. Some of us may even forget Him in our good times! It seems like a lot of the time we get so caught up in our lives that we only remember Him when things get bad or difficult. And some of us don't ask Him for help getting through our troubles, but we accuse Him of making bad things happen! God doesn't make bad things happen, bad things happen to us because we're only human. We're going to make mistakes, and some of those mistakes are going to have an impact on not just ourselves, but on many other people as well. But, when bad things do happen, we can use them to our advantage. We learn the most when things are difficult, and we can learn to be even better if we lean on Him to help us through our difficult times. God knows each of us better than we know ourselves; I know He knows me much better than I do. He knows exactly what is going on with me at any given time. But he can't reach out to me until I reach out to Him. I HAVE to reach out to Him and TALK to Him, if I want a good relationship with Him. He's the BEST friend I could ever hope to have, so why wouldn't I want to have a good relationship with Him?
This is getting long, but I would just like to say one last thing. If a person I loved mostly only came to me when they were having a hard time, if they mostly only sought me out to give them comfort and hope, that would mean the world to me. Sure, happiness and fun times are great! And I wouldn't want to go through the rest of life without plenty of happiness and fun times, but I also want to stay close to those who matter. The ones that matter may change, and a few fun times here and there with them may only show them as I've always remembered them, but may not show if and how they have changed. You need plenty of heart-to-heart conversations in life, along with fun times and good memories..but if I could only have heart-to-heart conversations with people for the rest of my life, I would wholeheartedly accept that. Because it would mean that I was staying close to those who matter to me. And that is definitely better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Third time's a charm!
Sometimes I like to just sit and think about how blessed I am. I am SO blessed, it's not even funny; I am blessed even when I don't deserve it. Cases in point:
January 15th, I was invited to go to the Golden Spike Visitor's Center with friends. Usually, there is a fee to get into historical-ish sites. However, since it was Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday weekend, it was a free admission day! All I had to do was pay gas money to the friend who drove us! Which was only $5 since we all split the bill. Incredible.
My father ordered another guitar for we his children to use with our Rock Band games. It arrived in the mail..about a couple (?) weeks ago. This was a favor none of us ever asked for, and a blessing I most definitely did not expect! (Also, it was lucky that there was a Rock Band sale going on, so that I could purchase Rock Band Beatles for about half the price I would have otherwise normally paid for it.)
Last Saturday, my cousin/sister and I were invited to a friend's birthday party. ..so off we went! It turned out to be very relaxing and nice. Towards the end of it, we went bowling. While we were bowling and talking, someone came up behind my cousin/sister and I and put their arms around the two of us. It surprised me a bit that anyone was putting their arms around us, then I turned around..and was even MORE surprised to find an old friend standing there! He's actually a closer friend to my older brother (who is on an LDS mission in Taiwan at the moment), but it was a pleasant surprise to see him there, all the same. When my cousin/sister and I returned home from the party, I received another pleasant surprise-a good family friend had brought over another friend to chill with our family! We played Rock Band and had many laughs and much good conversation. It was a wonderful Saturday. :D
Last week, I also received a letter in the mail from my grandma, my mom's mom. Completely in Chinese characters, bless her heart (in a good way!). :D I had to have my mom translate it, hahaha. I am without Chinese reading skills, unfortunately. Though one of my goals this year is to begin really fixing that. :)) Grandma wrote about how much she cared about me, and how wonderful I am (I'm really not that wonderful; it's just her grandmotherly bias for me, hah.)..it was the SWEETEST thing. Also, she enclosed a check to me for $200 to use for my trip to China. Yes, $200. I was like "SAY WHAAA--?? That's a ridiculous amount!" lol. PLUS. I've already been saving up myself to go to China, so I really neither needed nor asked for any money from anyone else. But I received it. SO. FLIPPING. BLESSED.
Also in relation to China. A couple or so ish years ago, my father bought my mother a small netbook for her personal use. We are allowed to bring laptops to China, but the one I have is (in my opinion) not really worth the trouble of bringing over, and I'm pretty sure the school our group is staying at will have computers. If they didn't, I was just going to borrow someone else's when I needed it-no big deal! However, my parents mutually agreed to let me take my mother's netbook with me to use while in China. Again. SO. BLESSED.
I like to order things online, and the things I've ordered to use for China have all arrived in my mail rather punctually. I've also been blessed to find relatively good prices on the things I've decided to buy, and it blows my mind!
One of my dearest guy cousins found someone who just bought an HTC HD7, and was trying to talk her into trading it for my HTC HD2. Now, it's not certain that she will want to trade it, but the fact that my cousin even thought of doing that for me, it just..I think I want to cry, it's so sweet. Yes, I'm a sentimental mushy gushy person..ish. And there is nothing wrong with that. :)
Now, all these blessings have happened to me just this year..yes within the FIRST month of the year! It simply ASTOUNDS me. A lot of these things seem so simple, but really..REALLY. Cliché though it may sound, it honestly is the simple/little things that matter most. REALLY. And just thinking about all the little things I've been blessed with, and am continually blessed with every day, makes me even more content with my station in life than I've always been. I have the greatest family and friends a person could ask for, and I am happy. ^.^
I truly believe that if each of us that have ever existed would just take some time to just sit and list out some things that make life personally easier or better for us, the world would be a happier place. I'm sure we would all get along with each other much better. And life would be so much sweeter to live. :D
January 15th, I was invited to go to the Golden Spike Visitor's Center with friends. Usually, there is a fee to get into historical-ish sites. However, since it was Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday weekend, it was a free admission day! All I had to do was pay gas money to the friend who drove us! Which was only $5 since we all split the bill. Incredible.
My father ordered another guitar for we his children to use with our Rock Band games. It arrived in the mail..about a couple (?) weeks ago. This was a favor none of us ever asked for, and a blessing I most definitely did not expect! (Also, it was lucky that there was a Rock Band sale going on, so that I could purchase Rock Band Beatles for about half the price I would have otherwise normally paid for it.)
Last Saturday, my cousin/sister and I were invited to a friend's birthday party. ..so off we went! It turned out to be very relaxing and nice. Towards the end of it, we went bowling. While we were bowling and talking, someone came up behind my cousin/sister and I and put their arms around the two of us. It surprised me a bit that anyone was putting their arms around us, then I turned around..and was even MORE surprised to find an old friend standing there! He's actually a closer friend to my older brother (who is on an LDS mission in Taiwan at the moment), but it was a pleasant surprise to see him there, all the same. When my cousin/sister and I returned home from the party, I received another pleasant surprise-a good family friend had brought over another friend to chill with our family! We played Rock Band and had many laughs and much good conversation. It was a wonderful Saturday. :D
Last week, I also received a letter in the mail from my grandma, my mom's mom. Completely in Chinese characters, bless her heart (in a good way!). :D I had to have my mom translate it, hahaha. I am without Chinese reading skills, unfortunately. Though one of my goals this year is to begin really fixing that. :)) Grandma wrote about how much she cared about me, and how wonderful I am (I'm really not that wonderful; it's just her grandmotherly bias for me, hah.)..it was the SWEETEST thing. Also, she enclosed a check to me for $200 to use for my trip to China. Yes, $200. I was like "SAY WHAAA--?? That's a ridiculous amount!" lol. PLUS. I've already been saving up myself to go to China, so I really neither needed nor asked for any money from anyone else. But I received it. SO. FLIPPING. BLESSED.
Also in relation to China. A couple or so ish years ago, my father bought my mother a small netbook for her personal use. We are allowed to bring laptops to China, but the one I have is (in my opinion) not really worth the trouble of bringing over, and I'm pretty sure the school our group is staying at will have computers. If they didn't, I was just going to borrow someone else's when I needed it-no big deal! However, my parents mutually agreed to let me take my mother's netbook with me to use while in China. Again. SO. BLESSED.
I like to order things online, and the things I've ordered to use for China have all arrived in my mail rather punctually. I've also been blessed to find relatively good prices on the things I've decided to buy, and it blows my mind!
One of my dearest guy cousins found someone who just bought an HTC HD7, and was trying to talk her into trading it for my HTC HD2. Now, it's not certain that she will want to trade it, but the fact that my cousin even thought of doing that for me, it just..I think I want to cry, it's so sweet. Yes, I'm a sentimental mushy gushy person..ish. And there is nothing wrong with that. :)
Now, all these blessings have happened to me just this year..yes within the FIRST month of the year! It simply ASTOUNDS me. A lot of these things seem so simple, but really..REALLY. Cliché though it may sound, it honestly is the simple/little things that matter most. REALLY. And just thinking about all the little things I've been blessed with, and am continually blessed with every day, makes me even more content with my station in life than I've always been. I have the greatest family and friends a person could ask for, and I am happy. ^.^
I truly believe that if each of us that have ever existed would just take some time to just sit and list out some things that make life personally easier or better for us, the world would be a happier place. I'm sure we would all get along with each other much better. And life would be so much sweeter to live. :D
Saturday, January 15, 2011
On second thought.
So, about a couple weeks ago, there was an online sale for Rock Band Beatles. My copy came in the mail this past week, and I was able to play it with my family last night! FINALLY. It was wondrous. :)) And it hit me how AWESOME it is that The Beatles were so big back in the day, and how widely known they STILL are. Not many people or things in life have that kind of staying power...
What do you think was on each of their minds when they first started out? We all want to change the world (they sang about that in Revolution), but do you think any of them planned on doing that as part of The Beatles? I wonder what the biggest dream was for each of them. Did they expect to go so far with their music? How did it feel to make such an impact on people? To realize that, HEY man. People are LISTENING to what we have to say, people far and wide know our NAMES, they recognize our FACES. That's a lot of power to have. And sooo many people went to their concerts and just tried to even get a glimpse of them in person. What would it feel like to see all the people whose lives you were impacting?? How crazy would it be to have even a sliver of an idea that you could actually CONTINUE to impact people's lives with a certain project after it was long done? I don't know if they set out to be forever remembered, I don't know EXACTLY how they felt, but I know that it's INCREDIBLE beyond measure that they succeeded at being and staying relevant.
Yes, I know I'm LATE in arriving at the realization of The Beatles being a truly epic band, but I'm glad I made it after all! I'm glad it didn't take me longer to realize. We each can be just as relevant to people in our lives as The Beatles were and are to so many people now. Just like The Beatles could never have had any idea how many people would listen to their music and their messages, we may never see the results of what our presence in other people's lives does. However, as long as we're working to stay positive while staying true to ourselves I believe we can EACH make huge differences in the world. People who don't even KNOW you see what you're doing out in the world. People who see you for just that moment when you're passing each other in life SEE you. And some of them will take note of what kind of person you seem to be. You could change someone's life by just being YOU, and you won't even know it. I'm sure you already have. I can say all of this with FULL confidence, because I am one who notices others and learns to be better by either following their example or not. Your small deeds and actions, be they good or be they bad, are sending people messages about WHO. YOU. ARE. Would you rather give people validation to continue making poor choices, or would you rather inspire someone to be at least a little bit better? Because your choices will always only be able to accomplish one of those things-validation for mediocrity or inspiration for something better. Which do you want to accomplish?
First things first.
Well, it appears that blogging is the new thing to do! So here I am. How can you mess up something as simple as this, right? I'm sure we'll find out together. I actually tried to start this blog last year, hah. Because of a...friend. A past boyfriend. I had no clue what I even wanted it to look like, so it's taken me this long to actually even post in it. Back to the once-boyfriend (because "once-boyfriend" is nicer than "ex-boyfriend"). It was his idea to start something like a journal for each other's benefit. To get to know each other. It was a good idea...I just never knew how to start. But here I go now, giving it a shot! :) First post. Here's what I've had on my mind for awhile.
How crazy it is that such a short time can feel like its own lifetime. I know I'm cliche, but I'm totally sincere. Hah. That was totally paradoxical. But on with what's the matter. This once-boyfriend...let's call him Joe. Joe was apparently very excited the first time he and I spoke on the phone. Which lasted, I believe, about 45 minutes. And we hadn't even met face-to-face yet. Within the same month that we began communication with each other, we were in a relationship. That relationship lasted all of 2 months. Exciting, I know. That was my first relationship. I have also decided it will be my last...PSHHHHHHH, who'm I kidding?? Naww, that was definitely a joke, it won't be my last relationship! Unless...I die today. Or tomorrow. Which I'm not planning on...but once again, who am I kidding? Who EVER plans on dying? I guess depressed/suicidal folk do. I wish I could meet every one of them and let them know they at least have me as a friend. That could make for an awkward beginning of a friendship, though. Back to the point. 2 month relationship. The whole time, I knew I wasn't even in love. No, seriously. I never thought I loved him...as anything more than a friend. I did like him quite a bit at the beginning, and I really liked him throughout the relationship. However, in being honest with myself and in general, I really never had a whole lot of belief that it would go far. Though I never expected it to be over so quickly, either. And now that it's over, Joe and I pretty much don't talk.
The thing is, he was just infatuated. He actually even believed he loved me. We shared a lot of personal things with each other, and I absolutely knew that he and I would always at least be friends. Fast forward to today? I don't know what I would say to him now. I feel like if I reached out and tried to talk to him about anything, I would just be intruding on his life. Because, truly? Our lives are going in directions different to each other's. When we decided to break up, it was totally mutual. When we were together, he'd always say he could only see himself with me and that he didn't even look at other girls. But that was never the truth. Just over a week after our mutual breakup, and..?!? He's found another girl to share a relationship with. The last text I sent him before I found out, he never replied to. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, not as a boyfriend. But he promised me he'd always stay my friend. And now he can't even deign to TALK to me. UHM. Joe. You NEED to look up "friend" in the dictionary, IMMEDIATELY. So much for meaning what you say...
SO. We knew each other for only a few months, but I guess spending a lot of time together made it feel like it was longer. I got in the habit of our daily text-conversations, so when we split I knew he wouldn't text me, but I missed it. Because it was so natural, it was like breathing. (Cliche, yes. But again, still sincere.) And what reeeeaaally kills me is not that I'm lonely, because I'm not. What REALLY kills me, is that I don't know what the good golly folly was going on in his head the whole time, and I don't know what's going on in his head now. This is something that will always bug me in life, not knowing exactly what people are thinking at certain times about certain things and such. I'm sure he doesn't ever think about me, now that he has a new girl to "love" and all, but I WORRIED about him. He'd had some bad luck with relationships before me, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings if he still liked me a lot. My MOTHER was afraid that would be the case! My BROTHER thought that would be the case! Baha! Who were we kidding?? He's TOTALLY fine, no longer thinks about any of my family, and I'm STILL worrying about details of HIS life! I just hope he doesn't screw up his new girlfriend's life. Wait. That sounded like he screwed up my life first. He didn't screw my life up. But his past life was screwed up, so I just hope he doesn't let any of his bad history screw him over. Everyone deserves another chance. (I don't use "second chance," because that's too specific, and we ALL need more than merely TWO chances.)
I'll admit, I was quite taken aback when he made it facebook official (yes, facebook official totally equates to totally credible) that he was in another relationship. Honestly, I was pissed because of all the now-apparent crap he'd fed me during our relationship that I meant so much to him and everything. I was thinking, "he sure has some nerve..." but after my initial reaction, I thought a bit about it. And it honestly shouldn't matter to me anymore what he does. I don't even know why we met. I'm not sure why I felt so strongly to text him. I guess I was looking for an adventure, hah. And boy, did it turn out well...lol, I sound so bitter, but I PROMISE I'm not. :)) I'm happy for him, and I'm (mostly) happy for me. The thing is, I'm a people person. And I'm really sentimental. So it's not that I don't want to let go, it's that I can't let go; not completely. It's my nature. It's going to hurt me to not be able to let go of him, because I'll think back to when we were close and I'll miss that. But I can remember times like that without malice. And hopefully, there was a really good reason for us ever meeting in life. Because isn't there supposed to be a reason for everything..? So, I will find ways to benefit from my time and relationship with Joe.
Annnnndd...hopefully, HOPEFULLY, not every one of my posts will be so personal, like this one. MOST HOPEFULLY, I will be more interesting and entertaining in future posts. Unfortunately, no guarantees..BUT..maybe..! :)
How crazy it is that such a short time can feel like its own lifetime. I know I'm cliche, but I'm totally sincere. Hah. That was totally paradoxical. But on with what's the matter. This once-boyfriend...let's call him Joe. Joe was apparently very excited the first time he and I spoke on the phone. Which lasted, I believe, about 45 minutes. And we hadn't even met face-to-face yet. Within the same month that we began communication with each other, we were in a relationship. That relationship lasted all of 2 months. Exciting, I know. That was my first relationship. I have also decided it will be my last...PSHHHHHHH, who'm I kidding?? Naww, that was definitely a joke, it won't be my last relationship! Unless...I die today. Or tomorrow. Which I'm not planning on...but once again, who am I kidding? Who EVER plans on dying? I guess depressed/suicidal folk do. I wish I could meet every one of them and let them know they at least have me as a friend. That could make for an awkward beginning of a friendship, though. Back to the point. 2 month relationship. The whole time, I knew I wasn't even in love. No, seriously. I never thought I loved him...as anything more than a friend. I did like him quite a bit at the beginning, and I really liked him throughout the relationship. However, in being honest with myself and in general, I really never had a whole lot of belief that it would go far. Though I never expected it to be over so quickly, either. And now that it's over, Joe and I pretty much don't talk.
The thing is, he was just infatuated. He actually even believed he loved me. We shared a lot of personal things with each other, and I absolutely knew that he and I would always at least be friends. Fast forward to today? I don't know what I would say to him now. I feel like if I reached out and tried to talk to him about anything, I would just be intruding on his life. Because, truly? Our lives are going in directions different to each other's. When we decided to break up, it was totally mutual. When we were together, he'd always say he could only see himself with me and that he didn't even look at other girls. But that was never the truth. Just over a week after our mutual breakup, and..?!? He's found another girl to share a relationship with. The last text I sent him before I found out, he never replied to. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, not as a boyfriend. But he promised me he'd always stay my friend. And now he can't even deign to TALK to me. UHM. Joe. You NEED to look up "friend" in the dictionary, IMMEDIATELY. So much for meaning what you say...
SO. We knew each other for only a few months, but I guess spending a lot of time together made it feel like it was longer. I got in the habit of our daily text-conversations, so when we split I knew he wouldn't text me, but I missed it. Because it was so natural, it was like breathing. (Cliche, yes. But again, still sincere.) And what reeeeaaally kills me is not that I'm lonely, because I'm not. What REALLY kills me, is that I don't know what the good golly folly was going on in his head the whole time, and I don't know what's going on in his head now. This is something that will always bug me in life, not knowing exactly what people are thinking at certain times about certain things and such. I'm sure he doesn't ever think about me, now that he has a new girl to "love" and all, but I WORRIED about him. He'd had some bad luck with relationships before me, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings if he still liked me a lot. My MOTHER was afraid that would be the case! My BROTHER thought that would be the case! Baha! Who were we kidding?? He's TOTALLY fine, no longer thinks about any of my family, and I'm STILL worrying about details of HIS life! I just hope he doesn't screw up his new girlfriend's life. Wait. That sounded like he screwed up my life first. He didn't screw my life up. But his past life was screwed up, so I just hope he doesn't let any of his bad history screw him over. Everyone deserves another chance. (I don't use "second chance," because that's too specific, and we ALL need more than merely TWO chances.)
I'll admit, I was quite taken aback when he made it facebook official (yes, facebook official totally equates to totally credible) that he was in another relationship. Honestly, I was pissed because of all the now-apparent crap he'd fed me during our relationship that I meant so much to him and everything. I was thinking, "he sure has some nerve..." but after my initial reaction, I thought a bit about it. And it honestly shouldn't matter to me anymore what he does. I don't even know why we met. I'm not sure why I felt so strongly to text him. I guess I was looking for an adventure, hah. And boy, did it turn out well...lol, I sound so bitter, but I PROMISE I'm not. :)) I'm happy for him, and I'm (mostly) happy for me. The thing is, I'm a people person. And I'm really sentimental. So it's not that I don't want to let go, it's that I can't let go; not completely. It's my nature. It's going to hurt me to not be able to let go of him, because I'll think back to when we were close and I'll miss that. But I can remember times like that without malice. And hopefully, there was a really good reason for us ever meeting in life. Because isn't there supposed to be a reason for everything..? So, I will find ways to benefit from my time and relationship with Joe.
Annnnndd...hopefully, HOPEFULLY, not every one of my posts will be so personal, like this one. MOST HOPEFULLY, I will be more interesting and entertaining in future posts. Unfortunately, no guarantees..BUT..maybe..! :)
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