First things first.

Well, it appears that blogging is the new thing to do! So here I am. How can you mess up something as simple as this, right? I'm sure we'll find out together. I actually tried to start this blog last year, hah. Because of a...friend. A past boyfriend. I had no clue what I even wanted it to look like, so it's taken me this long to actually even post in it. Back to the once-boyfriend (because "once-boyfriend" is nicer than "ex-boyfriend"). It was his idea to start something like a journal for each other's benefit. To get to know each other. It was a good idea...I just never knew how to start. But here I go now, giving it a shot! :) First post. Here's what I've had on my mind for awhile.


How crazy it is that such a short time can feel like its own lifetime. I know I'm cliche, but I'm totally sincere. Hah. That was totally paradoxical. But on with what's the matter. This once-boyfriend...let's call him Joe. Joe was apparently very excited the first time he and I spoke on the phone. Which lasted, I believe, about 45 minutes. And we hadn't even met face-to-face yet. Within the same month that we began communication with each other, we were in a relationship. That relationship lasted all of 2 months. Exciting, I know. That was my first relationship. I have also decided it will be my last...PSHHHHHHH, who'm I kidding?? Naww, that was definitely a joke, it won't be my last relationship! Unless...I die today. Or tomorrow. Which I'm not planning on...but once again, who am I kidding? Who EVER plans on dying? I guess depressed/suicidal folk do. I wish I could meet every one of them and let them know they at least have me as a friend. That could make for an awkward beginning of a friendship, though. Back to the point. 2 month relationship. The whole time, I knew I wasn't even in love. No, seriously. I never thought I loved him...as anything more than a friend. I did like him quite a bit at the beginning, and I really liked him throughout the relationship. However, in being honest with myself and in general, I really never had a whole lot of belief that it would go far. Though I never expected it to be over so quickly, either. And now that it's over, Joe and I pretty much don't talk.

The thing is, he was just infatuated. He actually even believed he loved me. We shared a lot of personal things with each other, and I absolutely knew that he and I would always at least be friends. Fast forward to today? I don't know what I would say to him now. I feel like if I reached out and tried to talk to him about anything, I would just be intruding on his life. Because, truly? Our lives are going in directions different to each other's. When we decided to break up, it was totally mutual. When we were together, he'd always say he could only see himself with me and that he didn't even look at other girls. But that was never the truth. Just over a week after our mutual breakup, and..?!? He's found another girl to share a relationship with. The last text I sent him before I found out, he never replied to. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back, not as a boyfriend. But he promised me he'd always stay my friend. And now he can't even deign to TALK to me. UHM. Joe. You NEED to look up "friend" in the dictionary, IMMEDIATELY. So much for meaning what you say...

SO. We knew each other for only a few months, but I guess spending a lot of time together made it feel like it was longer. I got in the habit of our daily text-conversations, so when we split I knew he wouldn't text me, but I missed it. Because it was so natural, it was like breathing. (Cliche, yes. But again, still sincere.) And what reeeeaaally kills me is not that I'm lonely, because I'm not. What REALLY kills me, is that I don't know what the good golly folly was going on in his head the whole time, and I don't know what's going on in his head now. This is something that will always bug me in life, not knowing exactly what people are thinking at certain times about certain things and such. I'm sure he doesn't ever think about me, now that he has a new girl to "love" and all, but I WORRIED about him. He'd had some bad luck with relationships before me, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings if he still liked me a lot. My MOTHER was afraid that would be the case! My BROTHER thought that would be the case! Baha! Who were we kidding?? He's TOTALLY fine, no longer thinks about any of my family, and I'm STILL worrying about details of HIS life! I just hope he doesn't screw up his new girlfriend's life. Wait. That sounded like he screwed up my life first. He didn't screw my life up. But his past life was screwed up, so I just hope he doesn't let any of his bad history screw him over. Everyone deserves another chance. (I don't use "second chance," because that's too specific, and we ALL need more than merely TWO chances.)

I'll admit, I was quite taken aback when he made it facebook official (yes, facebook official totally equates to totally credible) that he was in another relationship. Honestly, I was pissed because of all the now-apparent crap he'd fed me during our relationship that I meant so much to him and everything. I was thinking, "he sure has some nerve..." but after my initial reaction, I thought a bit about it. And it honestly shouldn't matter to me anymore what he does. I don't even know why we met. I'm not sure why I felt so strongly to text him. I guess I was looking for an adventure, hah. And boy, did it turn out well...lol, I sound so bitter, but I PROMISE I'm not. :)) I'm happy for him, and I'm (mostly) happy for me. The thing is, I'm a people person. And I'm really sentimental. So it's not that I don't want to let go, it's that I can't let go; not completely. It's my nature. It's going to hurt me to not be able to let go of him, because I'll think back to when we were close and I'll miss that. But I can remember times like that without malice. And hopefully, there was a really good reason for us ever meeting in life. Because isn't there supposed to be a reason for everything..? So, I will find ways to benefit from my time and relationship with Joe.


Annnnndd...hopefully, HOPEFULLY, not every one of my posts will be so personal, like this one. MOST HOPEFULLY, I will be more interesting and entertaining in future posts. Unfortunately, no guarantees..BUT..maybe..! :)